JOKE

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.

They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said: “I built a big house for our mother.”

The second said: “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”

The third said: “You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it.”

Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks.

“William,” she said, “the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”

“Arnold,” she said, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He’s a pain!”

“But David,” she said, “the chicken was delicious!

JOKE

A man enters a sexy lingerie store to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy):

“I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.”

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says,

Good Grief! You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

The coffin will be closed

TOP TV SALARIES

 

Here are the top 10 TV earners of 2018, per Variety (numbers are per episode):

Javier Bardem, $1.2 million for an Untitled Series from Amazon/Amblin TV.

Reese Witherspoon, $1.1 million for an Untitled Morning Show Dramafrom Apple.

Jennifer Aniston, $1.1 million for Untitled Morning Show Drama from Apple.

Norman Reedus, $1 million for The Walking Dead from AMC Studios.

Elisabeth Moss, $1 million for The Handmaid’s Tale from MGM.

Julia Roberts, $600,000 for Homecoming from Universal Cable Productions.

Steve Carell, $600,000 for Untitled Morning Show Drama from Apple.

Kelly Clarkson, $560,000 for The Voice from Warner Horizon/MGM. (Calculated based on her $14 million salary per season.)

Kevin Hart, $500,000 for TKO from MGM. (Tied with Sean Penn, $500,00 for The First from Endeavor Content.)

Anthony Mackie, $475,000 for Altered Carbon from Skydance TV.

Many of these actors will be earning even more. For instance, Aniston, Witherspoon, Bardem, and Roberts will earn an extra fee because they’re listed as an executive producer on their respective projects.

Stranger Things’ Millie Bobby Brown, who’s earning $350,000 per episode, is also reportedly collecting additional fees without a producer credit.

THE PERFECT SMALL CAR

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Combining the best features of the Renault ‘Clio’ and the Ford ‘Taurus’ they have designed the ‘Clitaurus’. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won’t be able to find it – let alone turn it on – even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can’t get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to dispose of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it as needed.

NEW FACE ON $20 BILL

U.S. TREASURY DEPT. ANNOUNCED THAT THE 7th PRESIDENT, ANDREW JACKSON WILL CEDE HIS SPOT ON THE $20 BILL TO FORMER SLAVE & ABOLITIONIST, HARRIET TUBMAN, MAKING HER THE 1st AFRICAN AMERICAN TO APPEAR ON THE FACE OF U.S. CURRENCY, NOW SCHEDULED FOR 2020.

BEST ADVICE: HAVE NO REGRETS

RICHARD BRANSON

The best advice I ever received? Simple: Have no regrets. Who gave me the advice? Mum’s the word.

If you asked every person in the world who gave them their best advice, it is a safe bet that most would say it was their mother. I am no exception. My mother has taught me many valuable lessons that have helped shape my life. But having no regrets stands out above all others, because it has informed every aspect of my life and every business decision we have ever made.

Boone Pickens wrote on LinkedIn:

If I had to single out one piece of advice that’s guided me through life, most likely it would be from my grandmother, Nellie Molonson. She always made a point of making sure I understood that on the road to success, there’s no point in blaming others when you fail.

However, he said that my saving grace was my sense of humor. … The advice was to focus on my sense of humor and worry less about being exactly right. For sure, don’t correct people when it matters little.

Oprah Winfrey asked the late author and poet Maya Angelou about the role of advice in her life. Angelou shared the best advice she had given her own son, telling him that, “in order to get a friend you have to be a friend.”

NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC PHOTOS

 

Nature is incredibly beautiful. Take a look at 15 incredibly beautiful photos captured for the world-renowned National Geographic.
1. Shake it Off
beautiful earth

Captured in Florida, a burrowing owl shakes off the rain. A unique feature found in owls is their flexible necks which allows them to compensate for fixed vision.

Photo by: William Kleinfelder, National Geographic Your Shot 

2. Golden Falls
beautiful earth

Captured in Japan, a beam of morning light shines over a quiet waterfall in Gifu Prefecture.

Photo by: Sawako Minami, National Geographic Your Shot

3. Night Swim
beautiful earth

This juvenile Wonderpus octopus was captured while swimming through the dark waters off Raja Ampat, Indonesia. Photographer Simon Lorenz explains “At this early stage of their development, most species of octopus are transparent and pelagic, drifting until they are large enough to settle on the reef.”

Photo by: Simon Lorenz, National Geographic Your Shot

4. Return of the Wolf
beautiful earth

Captured in Grand Teton National Park, a lone member of the Phantom Springs wolf pack stands tall. The wolves had been absent for about 70 years before returning to the park in 1998 when they moved from Yellowstone.

Photo by: Charlie Hamilton James for National Geographic

5. Jagged Peaks
beautiful earth

The peaks of the northern Rockies located in Glacier National Park glow in the morning light. They are cloaked in smoke from wildfires as far away as Washington State.

Photo by: Keith Ladzinski for National Geographic

6. A Swirl of Silversides
beautiful earth

Silversides swim through the mangroves of Cuba’s Gardens of the Queen marine reserve. The dense forest offers a welcoming shelter for the finger-sized fish which form large schools to try to confuse predators.

Photo by: David Doubilet for National Geographic

7. Dolphin Superpod
beautiful earth

Captured just off the coast of Costa Rica, photographer Shelton DuPreez was surrounded by a superpod of dolphins. “We were equipped with an electric underwater propellor system, that allowed us to mimic their effortless playful behavior and they LOVED IT!” he recalls. “In crystal clear waters we were surrounded by no less than a couple hundred at any given time.”

Photo by: Shelton Du Preez, National Geographic Your Shot

Taken in Grand Teton National Park, a weasel blends into the snow. In spring it will molt and turn light brown.

Photo by: Charlie Hamilton James, National Geographic

9. Beneath the Surface
beautiful earth

An American alligator waits for prey at the bottom of a cypress swamp in northern Everglades. Due to rising sea levels, salt water is being forced into the Everglades. Consequently, alligators may be edged out by crocodiles, which can excrete excess salt through their tongues.

Photo by: Keith Ladzinski, National Geographic

10. On the Prowl
beautiful earth

This stunning ocelot was captured while on a nighttime prowl by a camera trap. Ocelots weigh up to 33 pounds. Their diet consists of rodents, lizards, sloths, and chickens.

Photo by: Charlie Hamilton James, National Geographic

11. White Wolves
beautiful earth

These arctic wolves were captured while strolling by on the Arctic Bay in Nunavut Canada. Unfortunately, it is difficult for scientists to spend time studying the animals, as temperatures in their climate can reach lows of −63°F.

Photo by: Ejaz Khan, National Geographic Your Shot

12. Orphaned Apes
beautiful earth

A group of juvenile orangutans was transported in a wheelbarrow by a keeper at the International Animal Rescue center in Borneo, Indonesia. They were taken to a patch of forest where they will learn skills for the wild.

Photo by: Tim Laman National Geographic

13. Top of the Food Chain
beautiful earth

Captured in the brilliant blue Caribbean Sea, a trio of silky sharks swim by. Healthy coral reefs thriving off of Cuba’s southern coast support a food chain that links plankton to predators.

Photo by: David Doubilet, National Geographic

14. Tower of Smoke
beautiful earth

15. First Swim
beautiful earth

The hawksbill sea turtle is critically endangered. It is just three inches long. Pictured here, the turtle paddles away from Cuba’s shore under the protective cover of dusk.

THE DIAMONDS

If you were alive in 1957 (this leaves a couple of you out), and old enough to enjoy Rock and Roll, you will probably remember the group, “The Diamonds” who had just launched their super hit “Little Darlin’ “.  This should bring back a few memories.   Ahhh yes, the good old days.  I remember it well.  Nice to see some things getting better with age!

In 1957, The Diamonds had a hit with “Little Darlin”.  47 years later, they were requested to perform at Atlantic City ..  This link leads to both performances.
 

Watch the first one then scroll down for the new one 47 years later.


Be sure to scroll to second performance.


Http://www.flixxy.com/the-diamonds-little-darlin-1957-2004..htm

CITIES WHERE TOURISTS SPEND THE MOST

While on holidays, people tend to be less cost-conscious and spend much more money than usual. Mastercard analyzed data from 162 countries to determine the destinations where tourists left the most money last year.

Number one is actually not New York. It’s Dubai. There, in 2017, an average tourist spent $537 a day. This is how much some Americans earn a week.

The second place goes to Mecca in Saudi Arabia. Although Saudi Arabia only recently opened its borders to most international visitors, the visitors that were let into the country last year managed to spend $18.45 billion there.

London took the third place, and it’s Europe’s most costly destination for its international shoppers. In 2017, the capital of Great Britain greeted 19.83 million people, who spent $17.45 billion.

Number four and number five are Singapore and Bangkok respectively.

And New York is sixth on the list. Last year, it attracted 13.13 million visitors, and on average, these visitors spent $147 a day. This amount is 3.6 times less than the spendings of visitors in Dubai.